


House Husband

by PrinceofFlowers



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anal Sex, Gen, House Husband AU, Ibiki the Cupcake Man, Listen Kisame gets absolutely rekt okay, M/M, Not Canon Compliant At All, Oral Sex, Other, Probably not realistic Sex, Trans Man OC, Uchiha Massacre Didn’t Happen, Who Lives On Interrogation Lane, also doesn’t make sense but it’s not here to make actual sense, will add tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-04-13 19:57:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14119659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceofFlowers/pseuds/PrinceofFlowers
Summary: Kisame Hoshigaki has left the life of a rogue ninja behind, in favor of becoming a house husband.AU inspired by The Way of the House Husband.





	1. Bento Run

**Author's Note:**

> This series isn’t meant to really make much sense, and a lot of the chapters aren’t going to follow a linear story, as it’s mostly just short stories in Kisame’s life as a house husband, since the manga this AU is based off of is like that.
> 
> Please note that in this AU, the Uchiha Clan Massacre did not happen, and Minato is still alive and is the Hokage.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this mostly light-hearted, domestic fic in where I completely obliterate traditional roles and make shit gay as hell.

Ex-Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, and wanted rouge ninja, Kisame Hoshigaki looked himself over in the mirror, water dripping from his face.

He towelled himself dry before slipping on a shirt as he silently padded to the kitchen, where he threw on a blue apron, adorned with a picture of a pair of teddy bears, who had the words “best friends!” written beneath them.

He tied the apron onto himself securely, before he started cooking.

With practiced ease, he prepared both breakfast, and a bento, ensuring that everything was in its proper place.

He looked over the bento, a wide grin spreading across his face as he admired his work- it was both cute and nutritious for his lovely husband.

Speaking of which-

He whirled his head around as he heard rapid, heavy foot falls coming his way.

There, clothes somewhat disheveled, was his husband, tripping over himself as he scrambled into the kitchen.

“I slept in a little too late, babe!” He fired out as he straightened his clothes. “Sorry!”

“Wait- Eat your breakfast, first, before you leave!” Kisame called out.

“Very important meeting at work today!” Was all his husband managed out, pecking a quick kiss on Kisame’s cheek. “Can’t finish breakfast or I’ll be late! Thank you, though!”

Despite this, he did manage to cram a bit of omelette roll into his mouth before he slipped his shoes on and shot out of the door faster than Kisame could object.

Kisame just sat there for a moment, still shell-shocked, before sighing good-naturedly, a fond smile resting on his lips.

“Mrrow?” Called out Poyo, their very round tabby cat as he approached Kisame.

Kisame lifted the cat up into his lap, and began playing with his paws.

“Well, Poyo.” He addressed the cat. “Looks like it’s just you, and me.”

He stood up, cat still in his arms, as he began listing the day’s duties. 

“First, we should probably get the laundry done, then go down to the market-“

He cut himself off as he noticed the bento box sitting on the table.

His mind went blank for a moment, ignoring Poyo’s meowing, as his brain processed the information.

“Fuck!” He shouted, setting the cat down before rushing towards the box, shutting it and wrapping it before racing towards the door, shuffling his shoes on before darting outside, hoping to catch his husband before he went too far.

“YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH!” He bellowed out as he raced through the crowd, using his chakra to propel himself further and faster, silver eyes scanning the crowd for his husband.

He thought he caugh a glimpse of him, but just as he was about to run towards him, he was stopped.

Konoha Police.

“Sir, can we ask you a few questions?” One of the grim looking Uchihas asked.

Kisame stopped in his tracks and internally sighed.

Of fucking course.

He flashed a fake smile, his sharp, shark-like teeth gleaming almost threateningly.

“Of course, but please make it quick-I need to get this-“ He lifted up the wrapped bento. “to my husband.”

The Uchiha’s mouth thinned into a straight line.

“Okay.” He agreed. “Now, what’s your current occupation?” 

“A house husband.” Kisame answered simply.

The Uchiha’s gaze darted towards Kisame’s arms, hands, then back up to his face.

His scowl deepened, and just as he was about to, most likely, do something rash, a familiar voice chimed in.

“He’s right, you know.” Shisui agreed, appearing behind the Uchihas in a flurry of leaves.

“S-Sir!” They stuttered out, surprised by appearance. “But he’s-“

“Dasya’s Husband.” Shisui answered. “As in Whiptail Toys, Dasya? Myosis Dasya? Ring any bells?”

The Uchihas shifted awkwardly, while Kisame straightened up, a bit prideful.

“Anyways,” Shisui continued, locking eyes with Kisame. “he ought to get going, then. Be a shame if Mr. Dasya missed his lunch because you two were holding up his husband.”

The Uchihas looked at one another, then Kisame, then back at each other, before turning to Shisui, confused.

However, they couldn’t exactly say anything, so they simply nodded, and walked away.

“I’ll walk with you.” Shisui stated, patting Kisame’s arm.

Kisame nodded, and the two were off.

“Thanks.” Kisame said after a while. “Wasn’t sure how I’d manage to get out of that mess.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Shisui replied, smile on his face. “Any friend of Itachi’s is a friend of mine! Besides, Mr. Dasya’s a nice guy.”

“He is.” Kisame agreed, genuine grin on his face as he thought of his husband. “I’m so lucky to have him.”

Shisui snickered. “That’s Really Gay.” 

Kisame gave him a light shove, though it was all in good fun. “You’ll get it when you’re older and find someone to marry.”

Shisui hummed in response, the two continuing on, talking amicably until they reached the company, the little cartoonish stingray mascot painted onto the signs.

“See you around, Shisui!” Kisame called out with a wave.

“Take care, Kisame! Don’t hesitate to tell me if you ever get bothered by any of the Police force again!” Shisui bid him farewell, before teleporting away.


	2. Interlude: Itachi Uchiha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a summarized backstory on Kisame and Itachi’s friendship.

Itachi Uchiha was one of the most promising ninja that the Uchiha Clan had ever produced.

He was a genius who thought like a Hokage even at age 5, and had made captain in Anbu Black Ops by 13.

However, he was naturally a very kind, gentle boy, pacifistic by nature.

Everytime he took another life, it killed him a little bit inside.

So, when the Uchiha coup was stopped by talks between them and the Fourth Hokage, Itachi had asked to retire early.

Perhaps he’d pick up being a shinobi again, if he truly had to, but for now, he needed to break away from all of that.

He wanted time to watch his younger brother grow, he wanted time to process and work though all of the terrible things he’d seen and done in his years of service as a shinobi.

Initially, he was afraid that his father would disown him, but he was surprised to find out just how accepting he was.

“You’ve always been a kind, gentle child.” His father had said with a gentleness in his voice that Itachi had never really heard before. “I could not call myself your father if I refused you this.”

Itachi would be lying if he said that he didn’t cry with relief at that.

So now here he was, attending cooking classes to further his culinary knowledge.

It was there that he met a most peculiar person.

He was massive, standing at about 6’3, all muscle, with blue skin and what looked like gills on his cheeks and upper arms.

Kisame Hoshigaki, one of the former Seven Swordsmen of the Mist.

Itachi had heard that he defected, after killing his master, the last wielder of Samehada.

He had apparently been a rogue nin for quite some time, before he was picked up and brought back by Dasya Myosis, a foreigner who had created a toy company a few years ago.

Itachi wasn’t quite sure of the specifics, but apparently he was allowed to roam free in the village, despite being a highly dangerous wanted man.

He definitely looked intimidating, but...

Itachi watched as he diligently took notes, saw the softness in his eyes, the concentration as he worked on preparing today’s dish, and he saw only a man, much like himself, trying to wash away his bloody past in favor of a better future.

This was someone who would understand him and his decisions more than most of his peers.

So Itachi approached him, and befriended him.

He learned about his likes and dislikes, about his devotion to his husband, Dasya, who had brought him to Konoha.

He learned about his struggles with what lead him to kill his master, of how lost he was afterwards.

Kisame was someone Itachi respected greatly, someone he’d call friend.

And he’d do his best to insure that he was safe, because after everything he’d been through, Kisame deserved that much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	3. Zabuza?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisame is busy shopping when he runs into an old comrade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do they even have house phones in the Naruto verse?
> 
> Ah well, let’s say they do.
> 
> Also, more AU stuff- somehow Kakashi and Team 7 returned from their mission with a reformed Zabuza and Haku.

Kisame was busy.

After all, the work of a house husband was never finished.

Currently, he was at the market place, purchasing groceries and other necessities, sniffing out sales to get discounts when he could.

He couldn’t help but smile fondly as he slipped a box of Q-tips into his cart.

‘Dasya is so forgetful sometimes.’ He mused internally. ‘He completely forgot to grab some more last time I asked him to stop by the market on his way home.’

He then snickered to himself.

‘He’d probably forget his own head if it weren’t attached to his body.’

God, he loved that man.

“Hoshigaki?” Someone called out, surprise coloring their speech.

Kisame, pulled from his thoughts of his husband, turned his head towards the speaker, eyes widening.

“Zabuza? What are you doing here?” Kisame asked, completely baffled.

“I should be askin you that.” Zabuza shot back. “Where the hell have you been?”

“Here, obviously.” Kisame scoffed, turning back to price check a box of tea. 

Zabuza rolled his eyes.

“Smartass.” He grumbled. “What are you doing in Konoha?”

Kisame inhaled sharply, willing back his temper as he turned to face his past comrade.

“Isn’t it obvious?” He asked through clenched teeth as he motioned to his current get-up, specifically his apron. “I’m a house husband.” 

“What the fuck!?” Zabuza shouted, clearly flummoxed by the statement. “Who the hell would marry you!?”

“Zabuza.” A boy- Haku?, warned from Zabuza’s side. 

Zabuza calmed down a bit, before repeating, much quieter, “What the fuck, you’re a wanted criminal, just like me. What do you mean you’re a house husband?”

“Just what I said.” Kisame sighed, getting rather tired of this. “Now, I’m busy, so why don’t you and your brat run along? After all, it isn’t safe for a wanted criminal like yourself to be roaming the village.”

“Actually,” Haku corrected. “We’re now citizens of Konoha after a run-in with the Copycat Ninja.”

Kisame paused at that, but then nodded, remembering Itachi mentioning something about Sasuke going on his first big mission recently.

“I remember hearing about that, now.” Kisame stated. “You were in the Land of Waves, right?”

Zabuza nodded.

“Well then,” Kisame grinned, though as usual, it looked more threatening than it was meant. “welcome to Konoha! Perhaps my husband and I will invite you over for dinner sometime in the future. For now, I need to get back to shopping. I want to get this done before I have to head off to my cooking class.”

Husband?

Cooking class?

“What?” Both Haku and Zabuza asked at the same time.

Kisame rolled his eyes and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Look, we’ll talk about this later, alright?” Kisame relented. “Now, I have to go. It was nice seeing you again, Zabuza.”

Kisame took out a little notepad and pencil, scribbling out a number before tearing the page out and handing it to Haku.

“This is our home phone number.” He informed. “Call sometime tomorrow, and we’ll discuss dinner.”

And with that, he left them standing in the middle of the aisle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	4. Dinner Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisame and Dasya discuss future dinner with Zabuza and Haku.
> 
> It gets kind of Gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two idiots are so in love.

“Dasya?” Kisame called out as he ironed out a shirt. 

Dasya hummed in response, vocalizing the fact that yes, he was paying attention despite the fact that he was working on a few sketches for some toy ideas he had.

“I met a few old friends while I was at the market today.” Kisame began. “You remember how Itachi was telling us about that mission Sasuke went on?”

Dasya nodded, eyes flicking over to Kisame for a moment, smiling softly as he took in his husband’s features, before he looked back to his work.

“Well, turns out my old comrade, Zabuza, and his...apprentice? Adopted son? His brat, now live in Konoha because of it.” 

“An old comrade, huh? Did you invite them over?” Dasya asked as he finalized a few foot notes on his sketches.

“Uh-huh.” Kisame replied, setting the iron down and lifting the now wrinkle-free shirt up to be hanged. “Was wondering on a date and time to tell them. I’m thinking Friday is pretty free.”

“Fine by me.” Dasya agreed. “I’m free that day, anyways. Would you like help cooking that night?”

Kisame turned to his husband, grinning.

“As long as you don’t burn anything, darling.” He said, chuckling.

“One time!” Dasya exclaimed, embarrassed. “That only happened once! And I never live it down!”

Kisame just laughed harder.

“Okay, Okay.” He said once his laughter died down. “That was mean, I’m sorry. If course you can help. You make the best desserts, anyways.”

Dasya still pouted, but he quickly deflated once Kisame had padded over and pecked his cheek.

“You think they’d like my cookies?” Dasya wondered in a quiet voice.

“Your cookies are the best, dear.” Kisame assured. “Itachi certainly loves them.”

Dasya beamed at this, and Kisame swore that his heart was going to burst from the sheer amount of love he felt towards his husband.

“I’ll do my best, then!” He decided, determined as ever.

‘God, I love this man.’ Kisame thought to himself, before voicing his affections as he pulled Dasya to his chest, effectively smothering him in his pecs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN 
> 
> So, normally with this fic I’ll try not to have too many multi-chapter story shits, but there will be a follow-up dinner chapter after this one.


	5. Dinner Prep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dasya and Kisame cook dinner in preparation for their guests!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dasya over here, suggesting shit. OwO

Dasya had finished baking long before Kisame started cooking dinner, the chocolate chip peanut butter cookies left out to cool on a plate in the meantime.

The two had already done some last minute cleaning earlier that day, so everything was well on it’s way to be ready for their guests.

“Dasya, could you set the table?” Kisame asked as he added some diced potatoes to a large wok on the stovetop.

“I’m on it, babe!” Dasya piped up as he carefully maneuvered in their crowded kitchen, grabbing eating utensils and the like before weaving out of Kisame’s way. “Think we should have some kitchen remodeling done soon? Seems a bit small, hmm?”

“I’d like that- it’d definitely be useful, especially if we have more guests over.” Kisame agreed as he stirred the vegetables in the wok.

“Maybe sometime next month?” Dasya mused out loud as he set the table. “Business has been good lately, and my latest plans for new products have gotten the thumbs up for production.”

“Really? That’s great news!” Kisame exclaimed, turning away from his cooking for a moment to send a beaming grin towards Dasya, eyes softened and warm. “We should go out somewhere nice to celebrate sometime, then.”

Dasya hummed in agreement, flashing a toothy grin towards Kisame, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.

“Dinner, then some dessert afterwards, hmm?” Dasya teased. 

Obviously, he wasn’t talking about dessert.

“Behave!” Kisame scolded, brandishing his wooden spatula, turning back to meal preparation with a purple tinge on his cheeks. “We have guests coming over in a little bit!”

Dasya laughed.

“I know, but I just love teasing you.” Dasya cooed. “You look so cute when you get all flustered.”

“You’re unbelievable.” Kisame huffed, shaking his head. “Stop your teasing and come help stir this in for me- I need to finish up cooking the beef.”

“Alright, Alright.” Dasya soothed as he walked back into the kitchen to help his husband prepare their meal.

The two worked side by side, a comfortable silence falling between the two, only broken whenever Kisame had to call out some instructions.

Then, the doorbell rang.

“Must Be Zabuza.” Kisame noted. “I’ll go answer the door.”

“I’ll take care of things here, then.” Dasya nodded as Kisame made his way to the front door to greet their guests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN   
> Lmao I had this written out before I went on Vacation last Friday yet here my hoe-ass is.


	6. Enter: Zabuza and Haku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zabuza and Haku finally show up.
> 
> Dasya has weird energy.
> 
> Zabuza distrusts it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this months ago and am only now publishing it.
> 
> Rip. Sorry folks. I’m just Like That.
> 
> Also been thinking about writing a crack filled 7 Mist Swordsmen fic bUT wyd.

It was a bit awkward, thought Zabuza, shifting from one foot to the other as he waited for Kisame or his husband to open the door.

“I’m eager to see Mr. Kisame’s Husband.” Haku commented. “Ive gathered a bit of information from our time here so far-seems like a nice man.”

Zabuza scoffed.

“Insane man, if he married Hoshigaki.”

Even though his words were harsh, Haku noted how his features softened at the thought of his past comrade finding happiness, and he had to hide a small smile.

The two stiffened and schooled their expressions, cutting off any more conversation once the door opened to reveal Kisame in his usual blue teddy bear apron.

“Glad you two could make it!” Kisame exclaimed, opening the door more to let his guests in. “Dinner is almost ready- go ahead and take a seat at the table.”

“Thank you.” Haku thanked, bowing before entering and taking his shoes off at the door.

Zabuza merely grunted in response, kicking his sandals off at the door before skulking in, taking in his surroundings.

He had to admit, it was a cozy home.

It definitely had a lived-in, warm feeling to it, while still looking neat and tidy.

Haku, on the other hand, was amazed.

He thought their home was wonderful, the ambiance soothing to the boy.

“You two must be Zabuza and Haku.” A voice stated. “Pleasure to have you over.”

Haku and Zabuza focused their attention on the man who spoke.

For a moment, Haku had stiffened, before relaxing.

This man...

He didn’t really have what he’d call a chakra signature, but there was certainly waves of some sort of energy coming off of him.

However, it wasn’t threatening to him at all.

If anything, it was just as soothing as his home, as if his very energy and soul had leeched into the walls of the home.

Zabuza, on the other hand, was far less trusting, remaining tense at the foreign energy this man seemed to freely let off.

“Who the hell are you?” Zabuza growled, reaching for a sword that wasn’t there.

The man chuckled, seeming far less bothered compared to his husband, who bristled immediately at Zabuza’s tone.

“I’m Dasya Myosis, the lucky man who’s married to Kisame.” Dasya answered, bowing politely. “I am glad to meet an old comrade of my husband’s.” 

Zabuza cast a side-glance towards Kisame, questioning, before Haku not-so-gently kicked his shin.

“The pleasure is ours, Mr. Myosis.” Haku said, bowing with a smile. “Your home is beautiful.”

Zabuza grumbled, but between Haku’s insistence, and Kisame’s glower, he gave a half-hearted bow as well.

Dasya beamed at the boy, a glimmer of recognition in his eyes.

“Thank you.” He replied. “Now, please. Sit. Dinner is ready to be served.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN 
> 
> Also I hate everything I write rn so hopefully I get better.


	7. A Dinner and a Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner goes great, Zabuza scores a spar date with Kisame and Dasya, and Dasya has to fuck his husband to sleep since Kisame got too excited about the promised fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Implied sex but wyd
> 
> I just wanted to wrap up the Zabuza dinner.
> 
> Also I wanted Dasya to absolutely obliterate Kisame’s ass.
> 
> With that said, who here wants to actually read a written out chapter of Kisame getting rekt by his tiny top dom trans hubby?

The beginnings of the dinner were a bit awkward, but as time passed, and bellies were filled with good food, any tensions were eased until they were talking freely.

“Can’t believe you settled down.” Zabuza said to Kisame. “I’d figured you get too antsy, cooped up in this village filled with tree-hugging weaklings.”

He wasn’t wrong; Kisame, like any nin raised in Kiri, had an insatiable bloodlust, and a distinct love for violence.

Normally, Kisame would have never been able to settle down as a meek house husband.

“I still keep my skills sharp.” Kisame answered. “Dasya and a few shinobi here spar with me often, and sometimes, when Dasya needs to leave for work outside of Konoha, I join him.”

“Usually don’t need to bother with filling out the paperwork and getting some Leaf Shinobi to escort me and my entourage that way.” Dasya added, beaming with pride at his husband. “My darling takes care of any threats with ease.”

Kisame grinned.

“Not that you need the help.” Kisame said, looking back at him just as lovingly as always. “You’re strong enough to easily take down entire forts of bandits without breaking a sweat.”

Zabuza looked at Kisame.

Then at Dasya.

“This...toy-maker?” He questioned, taking a closer look at Dasya.

His arms were well-defined, toned muscle from work.

“Wasn’t always that way.” Dasya said, and the look in his dark eyes...

Those were the eyes of a man who had been face to face, and cheek to cheek with death itself, and had come back from that precarious edge.

“A retired shinobi?” Haku questioned.

“We don’t really have shinobi where I come from.” Dasya answered. “However, I bear the family name, Myosis, from fighting to earn such a right.”

“I am no stranger to war. The battlefield was once my home, and death was my god.”

Zabuza was, admittedly, a bit impressed.

He expected a soft civilian man, and got a battle-hardened veteran.

“I might have to spar with you two one of these days.” Zabuza said. 

Dasya smiled, revealing his large, fang-like canines.

The smile was genuine, and somewhat savage, reaching his dark eyes, glimmering like deep, fathomless pools.

“I look forward to crossing blades with you, Zabuza Momochi.” Dasya said, though it sounded more like a vow.

Zabuza grunted in response, and Kisame beamed.

He was quite pleased that his old comrade had accepted his husband, and he was eager to spar with them both.

It’d been far too long since he had a good fight.

The dinner continued on well, after that chat had ended, though there was an underlying current of excitement from Kisame, simply due to the promised fight.

However, soon enough, Zabuza and Haku had to take their leave, promising to visit again soon enough for that spar, in addition to later dinners and other socializing visits.

Once they were gone, Kisame all but pounded on his husband in excitement.

“Calm down, dear.” Dasya chuckled, bearing the brunt of Kisame’s weight, as if it were nothing. “We won’t be sparring until this coming Sunday.“

Kisame whined pitifully at Dasya, who only chuckled some more at his husband’s now pouting expression.

Dasya’s hands trailed down Kisame’s sides to squeeze his hips.

“We’ll do something else in the meantime.” He purred, teeth catching on Kisame’s earlobe. “I’m sure this should satisfy you until morning, at least.”

Then Dasya, probably twice as small as Kisame, had pulled Kisame up to straddle his own hips, supporting Kisame’s weight with ease as he carried his husband to their shared bedroom.

Until morning, was what Dasya had promised, but Kisame hadn’t woken up until mid afternoon, well-sated and slightly sore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	8. Fight or Fuck Response (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisame still craves a good fight, even though he’s now a House Husband, but sometimes there isn’t always someone to fight.
> 
> That’s okay, though.
> 
> Cause a good fuck works just as well, and his husband is happy to do either for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all wanted Kisame to get his ass absolutely destroyed, so here y’all go.
> 
> COME GET YALL JUICE
> 
> Anyways this prob isn’t totally accurate but like when is smut ever realistic??? Anyways rip Kisame’s ass.
> 
> Press F to pay respects.

There were always assumptions about Kisame and Dasya’s relationship.

Assumptions about Dasya’s gender, and his body, and how they played a role in his relationship with Kisame.

Assumptions based on archaic roles created by old cisgender heterosexual beliefs and views, which had no place in the relationship between two gay men, especially with one of them being a trans gay man.

There was an assumption that Dasya didn’t have a penis, and that he, as both a trans man and as a very small man in comparison to Kisame, must be the “submissive bottom”.

There was the assumption that he was gentle and delicate in bed, in comparison to Kisame, who most assumed was violent and rough between the sheets.

Admittedly, Kisame did enjoy playing rough, but he was such a smiley guy.

He’d often have to take breaks inbetween kissing because he was smiling too much, laughter bubbling from his lips.

But that was about the only correct assumption to be had about their sex life.

Because in this world, mere mortals could create whole lakes, or punch down mountains.

It wasn’t too much of a stretch to believe that Dasya could conjure himself a penis with ease, especially since his stores of energy- not quite chakra, but close enough- rivaled Kisame’s own chakra stores.

Furthermore, this assumed tiny, submissive bottom of a twink was actually a very dominate top between the sheets.

And he played just a rough as Kisame did.

Admittedly, their first ten times together were filled with them both trying to figure out their dynamics, and what they liked best, but now, things were well-defined between the two.

Kisame lived for a good fight, but as things were now, he didn’t always get to indulge in such things.

In such cases, he’d often ask his husband for a tussle in bed, though Dasya, ever perceptive, often caught onto his husband’s excitable mood.

Today was one such occasion, with none of Kisame’s usual sparring partners available.

Kisame instead had to wait until Dasya came home, where he’d ask for either a good fight or a good fuck to settle himself down.

Dasya, upon returning home to the buzz of Kisame’s excitement, had chosen the latter, toeing his shoes off by the door before launching himself onto his husband, hands burying in his blue locks as he kissed him, more teeth than lips as Kisame grinned into the kiss.

“Looks like someone’s in a mood.” Dasya commented, his voice a low growl, the sound of which causing Kisame’s stomach to flutter in excitement.

He pulled back from the kiss, eyes dilated as they stared back at Kisame, his sharp fangs peaking from behind his lips as he grinned.

“Are you ready for me, sweetheart?” Dasya asked, his hands trailing down to grip Kisame’s hips.

“Yes.” Kisame said breathlessly. “Fuck, I’m so ready for you, Dasya. Please.”

Dasya growled in approval before picking Kisame up, carrying his husband to their bedroom with ease, despite his stature.

He kicked the door open, thankful that it was already ajar- he didn’t feel like paying to replace it again, before he threw Kisame onto their bed.

“Strip.” Dasya commanded as he worked on undressing himself. “Unless you want me to tear your clothes right off you.”

He would.

Kisame had seen him do it before, and part of him wouldn’t have minded the thrill, but he liked this outfit, so he hastily pulled his clothes off, flinging them to some corner of the room.

Dasya was on top of him the moment he was bare, claiming his lips again, sharp teeth catching on lips, blood smearing between them to taste and smell.

Soon, Dasya had moved on to bite his neck, occasionally drawing blood, which he’d lap up greedily as Kisame moaned underneath him.

His hands roamed as he marked his husband throughly, his calloused fingers wrapping around his cock, teasingly stroking it.

“Dasya.” Kisame whined, trying to buck his hips up into Dasya’s grip, a hand on his hips stopping him. 

“I don’t think so.” Dasya huffed, amused, into Kisame’s ear. “I wanna see how many times I can make you cum dry before I let your pretty little cock paint your chest white.”

Kisame shuddered, excited and aroused at the prospect of being absolutely wrecked by his husband.

“Now, be a good boy, and don’t touch your cock until I say you can.” Dasya cooed, removing his hand from Kisame’s cock so he could take his chin into his hand and tilt it upwards so Kisame could look up at him from his place underneath him.

“Yes, sir.” Kisame said, hands fisting into the sheets for a moment as those intense eyes hungrily stared into his very soul.

Dasya hummed, pleased at his response, before capturing his lips in another bruising, bloody kiss.

He kissed and teased for a while longer, before trailing his lips downward.

His hands tugged at Kisame’s legs, pushing them up.

“Hold your legs apart for me.” Dasya said, pressing Kisame’s thighs to his chest.

Obediently, Kisame hooked his arms beneath his own knees, holding his legs up as he was told.

“Good boy.” Dasya praised, offering him a dazzling smile before he ducked his head down to eat out his husband’s ass.

Kisame moaned, begging Dasya for more, thanking him as he began stretching his hole with lubed fingers.

With a wicked grin, Dasya relentlessly teased Kisame’s asshole, fingers scraping against his prostate before pulling back to stretch his hole until he could fit four fingers in with ease.

“I wonder...” Dasya mused aloud, wicked grin stretching across his face before he began fingering Kisame in earnest, watching gleefully as his back arched up, pre cum dribbling from his half hard cock as he came dry.

“Ohhh.” Dasya cooed. “What a good boy, cumming for me already. I hope you have a lot more for me, baby, because I wanna see you absolutely destroyed beneath me.”

“D-Dasya-!!!” Kisame cried out, his arms shaking, threatening to give out from their hold on his legs. “Stop teasing me- I want you-“

The outpouring of energy within the room shifted in a familiar manner, until Kisame’s words were cut off by Dasya’s newly formed cock pressing into him.

Kisame’s arms leg go of his legs to brace himself as Dasya tugged his hips up, impaling him onto his dick.

Fully sheathed within him, Dasya pressed his palms into the backs of Kisame’s thighs as he fucked him.

“Watch.” Dasya ordered. “Watch me fuck you. Watch my cock ruin you for other men.”

Kisame moaned like a wanton whore, his eyes fixed on the sight of his husband’s cock pounding his ass.

It didn’t take long for him to cum dry yet again, his body slumping down- allowed to slump down, as Dasya pulled out, gently lowering Kisame’s hips down onto the bed again.

He allowed Kisame to catch his breath for a moment, before growling out commands again.

“Face down, ass up.” Dasya said. “I’m not done with you yet.” 

Kisame complied eagerly, shifting into position.

“What a good boy.” Dasya barked out in a laugh as he stroked Kisame’s ass before parting his cheeks. “Looking so pretty, laid out like this for me.”

He lined his cock up again, after rubbing some more lube on it, and pressed into Kisame again, starting off at a slower pace than before.

“You feel so good like this.” He commented. “Tight ass of yours squeezing my cock like that.”

He brought a hand down across Kisame’s ass, chuckling at the surprised cry Kisame let out.

“I felt you tighten up from that.” Dasya said. “Seems like you want a spanking, huh?”

Dasya slowed to a hault, hands gripping, controlling Kisame’s hips.

“Well? Beg me for it, sweetheart. I wanna hear you ask for it.” Dasya cooed as close to his ears as he could reach.

Kisame growled, trying to grind onto Dasya’s dick, to no avail.

There’d be bruises on his hips later, he thought with a grin.

And, maybe, if he begged pretty enough, he’d have more on his ass.

“Please, spank me, Dasya.” Kisame begged, head craning around to look at Dasya. “Spank my ass until it’s purple. Please!”

Dasya damn near purred in approval, moving his hips again, before bringing a hand hard across his ass again.

“Such a good boy.” He growled. “Begging so pretty for me. Don’t worry, baby. I’ll make sure your ass is nice and purple by the time I’m done with you.”

He picked up the pace, laying down punishing strikes against Kisame’s ass as he moved, spurred on by Kisame’s broken sobs of pleasure, begging and thanking him in equal measures.

By the time Kisame’s ass was purple and stinging from the multiple strikes he took, he had cum dry two more times.

“Please! I wanna cum, Dasya!” Kisame sobbed, hips bucking, trying to find friction against the sheets. 

“But you just did.” Dasya teased, stilling Kisame’s hips once more. 

“Dasya, please!” Kisame begged. “Touch my cock- let me cum! Please! I’ve been good!”

“Ohhh, my poor boy wants to cum so bad.” Dasya cooed, running his hands over Kisame’s now throbbing ass, taking note of the forming welts with a sense of pride. “Well, since you’re such a polite, good boy, I guess I’ll touch you.”

Dasya flipped him over onto his back, lining himself up once more before snapping his hips up to fill Kisame again, one hand on his hip, the other, finally, wrapping around Kisame’s neglected cock.

Kisame weeped in relief at the feeling of Dasya’s warm, slick hand pumping his cock, head thrown back as he arched into his touch.

“Now, cum for me, Kisame.” Dasya said as he squeezed, hips stilling at Kisame screamed, his cock twitching as it covered his chest with ropes and ropes of white cum.

Soon afterwards, Kisame collapsed onto the mattress, the intensity from his climax actually having knocked him out.

Carefully, Dasya pulled out, and released his hold on Kisame’s now spent cock.

He looked over him, slightly worried, until Kisame stirred, bleary eyes staring back up at him.

“You good?” He asked.

Kisame hummed in agreement, too spent to form words.

Dasya chuckled fondly, pressing a kiss to Kisame’s lips.

“I’ll get you cleaned up, then.” Dasya said, before getting up to retrieve a towel, dampened with warm water.

Kisame simply laid there, in a half-awake daze as Dasya cleaned him up, only ever protesting when Dasya had picked him up, and even that hadn’t lasted long, quieting down once Dasya set him back down.

He didn’t really recall when, but at some point, Dasya had slipped in beside him, and the two slept soundly throughout the night.

By the time Kisame had finally woken up, it was to an empty bed, the stench of sex, and the sun, high in the sky.

He has looked around, wondering where Dasya had gone, trying to prop himself up to sitting, wincing as he did so.

Yeah, he was sore alright.

Probably wouldn’t be able to walk, either- he’d have to call Samehada in to recover.

He turned his head to the bedroom door as familiar footsteps neared, along with the scent of food.

A foot gently pushed the door open, and a smiling Dasya stood at the doorway, carrying a heavily laden tray of food.

Kisame felt his heart warm at the sight.

“You skipped out on work today?” Kisame asked.

“I wasn’t going to leave you to recover from last night on your own.” Dasya replied, setting the tray down on the nightstand closest to Kisame before gliding to his side, pressing a chaste kiss to his forehead. “I’ll bring Samehada in after you finish your meal.”

“Thanks, dear.” Kisame said, pressing a kiss to his lips. “But first, you’re going to have to help me to the bathroom.”

Dasya laughed, obviously very smug and proud of the fact that his poor husband was currently unable to walk thanks to the very thorough fucking he gave him last night.

Kisame playfully smacked him in the gut, grinning when Dasya’s breath caught in his throat from the sudden hit, before wrapping his arms around his neck.

Dasya recovered quickly, still smirking as he carried his husband to the bathroom, refraining from any smart comments or giggling as he did so.

Once he returned, carried yet again to the bed by his husband, Kisame ate, occasionally offering Dasya a bite to eat as they enjoyed one another’s shared company, sated and warm in the afternoon sun that peaked from the curtains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	9. Ibiki the Baker Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisame runs into the notorious interrogator, Ibiki Morino, while he was out grocery shopping, and ends up agreeing to a baking session later on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the “Ibiki the cupcake/baker man who lives on interrogation lane” hc, which is where this came from.
> 
> I also love the “Ibiki Morino makes every Kiri nin terrified at the mere mention of his name” hc.
> 
> Also, did y’all know that Kisame and Ibiki are both Pisces? Wild.

In Kirigakure, there was one Konoha nin feared and respected above all.

The mere utterance of his name would silence a whole room of seasoned killers.

That name, that man, was Ibiki Morino.

Kisame remembered him well, actually.

He did, after all, have to kill an entire squad of allies just to prevent them and their information from getting into the hands of Ibiki Morino.

So imagine his surprise when he ran into that very same interrogator while grocery shopping.

In the baking aisle, no less.

Ibiki was probably the tallest Konoha nin, big and burly, too.

Actually, he was about the same height as Kisame.

“Excuse me.” He had said, before reaching to grab a bottle of star shaped sprinkles.

“Oh, right. Sorry.” Kisame had said, on impulse, part of him still not quite registering who this was.

Ibiki, as well, did a double take, before his lips turned upwards into a jagged grin, scars tugging on his lips.

“Well, if it isn’t Kisame Hoshigaki.” He said. “I had heard you moved to Konoha after marrying Dasya-senpai.”

Kisame backed up just a step, not only to get a little bit more space between himself and Ibiki, but from shock at the honorific tacked onto his husband’s name, before flashing a toothy grin.

“Ibiki Morino.” Kisame greeted, bowing his head respectfully. “Fancy meeting you here. I didn’t know you baked.”

“It isn’t very well-known, but yes.” Ibiki said. “It’s a hobby of mine. What about you?”

Kisame’s cheeks turned slightly purple from his blush.

“Well, I’m not the best baker in the world.” He said sheepishly. “Honestly, that’s more of Dasya’s thing. He has been teaching me a few recipes, though. I was just here to pick up a few ingredients that we’re short on, but the sprinkles caught my eye.”

He motioned to the little shark shaped sprinkles he had in his basket.

Ibiki nodded in understanding.

“Dasya-senpai is a very good baker.” He agreed. “He even taught me quite a few new recipes.”

He turned his attention back to the sprinkles and icing on the shelves, before speaking once more.

“You know, it’s been a while since I’ve baked with him. Perhaps we could all bake together some day soon.” 

Kisame was blown away.

“That sounds nice.” He said, his voice quiet as he reeled from this entire conversation.

Who would have guessed that he’d meet THE Ibiki Morino, in a grocery store, no less, and discuss baking?

Who would have guessed that his sweet little husband knew THE Ibiki Morino, And was respected by him enough to be called, “senpai”?

“Perhaps this Saturday? I’ll be free around noon.” Ibiki asked, his sharp eyes sliding over to stare into Kisame’s own eyes.

Kisame withheld a shudder.

The man’s gaze was terrifying, even in such a casual setting.

“I’d have to double-check with Dasya.” Kisame answered.

“Good.” Ibiki said. “Have him call me later to confirm it. See you then.”

And with that, he left Kisame standing alone in the aisle, still trying to process what the fuck just happened.

Later on, once he was safely at home with his husband, he recounted the encounter, much to Dasya’s amusement.

“Did he scare you, baby?” Dasya asked teasingly.

“A little bit.” Kisame whined, cuddling closer to Dasya for comfort.

Dasya cooed over him, embracing him, his fingers combing through his hair soothingly as he assured Kisame that he would be alright.

“Ibiki is a really nice guy when off the job.” Dasya said. “I even set him up with a nice guy I know, and they’ve been dating ever since. He bakes as well.”

“Is there going to be a baking frenzy in this house come Saturday?” Kisame said, sounding almost intimidated by the idea.

Dasya chuckled softly.

“Maybe, but if it makes you too uncomfortable, we could make up an excuse not to.” He offered.

Kisame frowned, shaking his head.

“No. We should still do it.” He said. “I...I should at least try to make friends with my husband’s friends.”

‘Even if they are the subjects of terrifying stories back in Kiri.’ Went unspoken.

Dasya pressed a kiss to Kisame’s forehead.

“Thank you, baby.” He said, soft and sincere. “I’m real proud of you, you know?”

Kisame couldn’t help but grin, relaxed, as he kissed Dasya back, his sharp teeth lightly grazing his husband’s lips.

He didn’t have to worry so much- Dasya was here, after all, and he trusted him wholly.

He had never given him reason to distrust him, nor had he felt anything but safe in his presence.

So if Dasya said that Ibiki was alright, then Kisame would believe him.

And, perhaps, come Saturday, he may end up making another friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


End file.
